For the first time in a long time, I realized how much I truly miss Alex.
Not in the boyfriend way at all, but I miss him as a person. Alex was my first and last boyfriend. We started talking just before the summer after my freshman, dated for 2 months during the year, then talked another month after. Neither of us wanted to let go. Honestly, in the end I acted like a crazy bitch. I was not the best girlfriend either. I was horribly detached and the distance tore it apart little by little every day. When we finally cut all ties, I realized just how much I truly cared for him. I spent hours crying over the fact he was gone. He had left and wasn’t turning back, and worst of all, he found someone else. Her name was Meredith. She was a senior at his school. They started dating THE SAME WEEK Alex and I were going to see each other since all of the fights. Needless to say it was awkward. It took all that was in me to not pull a Katy and just brush his hair from his face and say “Your girl is lovely, Hubble.” He wouldn’t have gotten the reference anyway. It was hard to deal with missing him. I was really upset until the ultimate tornado, Walker, swept in and made me forget it all.
Alex, I know you don’t look at me the same way you used to, and that saddens me. I’m the same person I was before. I know Walker screwed any chance we had at a friendship, but I value your friendship and just wish you could see past all the bullshit and realize I’m still me. After all we went through, I know it would be hard for you to see me like that, but I miss you, stoopid. I miss my best friend. I miss staying up all night, just talking about anything and everything. I miss our ridiculous lip syncing together, and all of our reminiscing. I still count “Drops of Jupiter” as “our song.” But it doesn’t remind me of our relationship. It reminds me of that amazing first chapter. Everything was so simple. You helped me through that hard summer and touched my heart when you opened up to me and let me into your life.
I wish we could just be best friends again. The thought of our twisted triangle sickens me. I miss your friendship and Walker as someone I was talking to. You like Katie as a friend, but Walker wants her as more. Walker flips out about your friendship. You look sick every time you look at me. Katie loves you as a best friend, the way I did. Walker pretends to like you but it’s obvious he doesn’t. And where Walker and I stand? He needs me when he’s really down about Katie, but I know in my heart he really did and still does care about me.
Can we please forget all of this bullshit and just be friends again?
Today has been one of the best days in a while, and further proved to me it’s the little things that count. I understood EVERYTHING we did in precal, which is quite a rarity for me. Being able to follow it all makes me like the class so much better. Not to mention I have the best pod ever. Daniel is one of my best friends, and I’m not all that close with Maddy, but she’s super cool! When we were able to have our computers, Maddy showed me the cutest dress on ModCloth. And I absolutely adore that Daniel isn’t one of those annoying boys that tries to act like he cares nothing about fashion and appearance. It’s awesome.
After precal, I listened to some Dave Matthews Band and took a super recharging nap. Following my nap was ballet, which I can already tell was an amazing choice of PA. I love the structure but release of the dance. And it made me so much less sore, which is awesome, because I got tired of whining about it like a little bitch. In AmStud we got to check out senior English classes which I am super excited about. I am such a humanities freak, so this was fun. For dance, we did our run through of the show and it felt amazing to know the whole routine. This dance is such a release and I can’t help but get lost in it. This time I’m not focusing as much on the movements since I know them so much more than for the Nutcracker. I can truly feel the movements and it’s amazing.
Not to mention, I’m wearing this green dress of JoJo’s that is beautiful. It’s green chiffon and has vertical ruffles at the bust. It looks good with my hair color and skin tone and actually makes me feel super pretty. I wore it for a total of 2 hours today and got multiple compliments, two from guys. It’s rare guys actually acknowledge the prettiness of a dress, and I appreciate greatly when they realize and appreciate a quality frock.
This day has truly showed me the value of the little things in life. One days like these, I truly feel the presence of God. Maybe it’s the beautiful weather, but I hope this continues. It’s only making me more excited for Happening. I can’t wait to find out who my prayer partner is and meet all of the candidate and have this amazing weekend play out. I always feel so close to God when I’m at Happening and I’m so excited to bloom and grow.
We’ve come back to each other so many times, I’ve lost count. It’s weird to think exactly one year ago we had been skyping every night and getting closer by the day. I want this back. Back in the day when you were over her and I was all you saw. Where are those times? I don’t understand how you are so obsessed with her. And I’m so fucking sick of that “giving up” bullshit, I could scream. I want to be done so much, but even more than that, I want to see what would happen if we just got together as a couple.
Every time we are “just talking,” it turns into a tornado and everything in our paths get fucked up. There are so many factors keeping us apart. Forget about Katie, the past, and the distance and realize you aren’t happy with all of the same shit you’ve been doing. You aren’t happy as her little puppy dog. She is not going to date you, and you know this. She has been stringing you along longer than you have been stringing me along. BE DONE WITH IT. She doesn’t want you.
But the more I think about it, the less I want you. If we’re a tornado when we’re “just talking,” we would really fuck things up as a couple. And this habit of giving up is not the most admirable quality you possess. I’m not you little bitch anymore. I need to stop thinking about getting over you and just GET THE FUCK OVER IT. Your cons outweigh your pros more than ever lately and I think I’m making real progress in forgetting it all. The fact I resisted talking to you is proof enough I’m starting to. Off to bigger and better things I hope. I know we’ll find each other again eventually. I know eventually probably means soon because you have that radar to fuck things up when I’m happy, but I can see through the bullshit now and I’m getting stronger by the day.
Goodbye for now, my dear Walker. I’m already just fine without you.
You still want her and you made that evident. If you can’t tell, she wants you too. Don’t try to use your “feelings” for me as a way out. Be with her or leave it alone. Wisdom of the night, ladies and gentlemen
You’ve screwed me over MULTIPLE times. You always come crawling back when you’re upset about other things going on in your life, like when that one girl ignores you YET AGAIN. She isn’t even a bitch. So that makes it even harder. I love her to death. I wish I could just forget you ever happened because now I’m so cautious with everyone else I’ve ever talk to. It’s hard to just believe some guy will make me “worth it” because everything with you was SO PERFECT and you just up and gave up. But really, it wasn’t perfect. You are not perfect by any means. You are an arrogant son of a bitch, you close people off, and just give up every time. You never fail to apologize in just the right way. But those apologies are just not gonna cut it anymore. Sorry, I’m not trying to be needy, but that’s just how it is. I’m starting to realize I’ll be more than okay without you and I’ll be much more happy. It’s time to realize I just have to be done, and for once I think I am. Soooo YEAH! If you want this to change, please give it as long as possible. Just let me come to you and we’ll both be happier. It’s time to see what’s really here at NCSSM, you completely forgotten. It’s time. And I’m so excited.